


The Marauders, By S Morgenstern

by Purplechimera



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Magic, Crack, Duelling, F/F, F/M, M/M, The Princess Bride References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 16:19:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17811305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purplechimera/pseuds/Purplechimera
Summary: In which James Sirius is sick, so Grandpuppy and Remus come over to tell a War story that ends up sounding a little too much like the Princess Bride...





	The Marauders, By S Morgenstern

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jennandblitz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jennandblitz/gifts).



> This started as a crack fic inspired by a conversation with jennandblitz and I ended up rewriting the whole Princess Bride movie...enjoy!

_According to James Sirius, the best part of being sick is that Grandpuppy and Remus always came over and told stories. And since James Sirius is the only one who is sick this time, Remus doesn’t have to censor Grandpuppy’s tales to be baby-sister-appropriate._

_Over his coughing fit, James Sirius hears his father answer the door, and then the heavy sounds of booted feet on the stairs. His door flies open, and James Sirius grins. There, silhouetted in the doorway, is Grandpuppy._

_Sirius takes one look at the nine-year-old, all bundled in quilts, and throws himself into the chair next to the bed. “Oh, my poor, poor little fawn. Don’t you worry, Grandpuppy and Grandmoony are here to regale you with stories!”_

_There’s a heavy sigh, and Remus appears, leaning on the doorframe. “Pads, how many times have-”_

_Sirius clamps his hands over James Sirius’ ears. “The fawn is sick, Moony! His constitution is del-i-cate!” Remus rolls his eyes, and Sirius places his hands on his knees. “Alright, fawn. What sort of story do you want to hear today?”_

_“An adventure story!”_

_Sirius nods thoughtfully. “Alright. I know just the one.”_

_“With lots of duels?”_

_“Are you kidding? Duels, muggle fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles!”_

_James Sirius squeals, and it quickly turns into a cough. Remus appears at his other side with a glass of water. Sirius clears his throat._

_“Once upon a time, there was a young prince who was, by far, the most beautiful boy in all of Hogwarts.” He taps his cheek thoughtfully. “Well, probably all of the Wizarding World, to be honest.” He grins. “Surprise! It’s me.”_

_Remus snorts. James Sirius rolls his eyes._

_“Now, for a long time, whenever I asked Remus for help, instead of saying ‘oi, do it yourself, Pads!’ like your grandfather always did, he said, ‘as you wish.’” He leans in, and whispers. “What he meant was, ‘I love you.’ But what’s even more amazing was the day I realized I truly loved him back.”_

Sirius ripped the invisibility cloak off and practically threw himself onto the infirmary bed at Remus’ feet. “Merlin’s balls, are you okay? I am so, so sorry-we only lost you for a minute- I can’t believe you just took off, that hasn’t happened in so long, I don’t-”

“Pads! Hey, it’s alright. Madame Pomfrey fixed me right up, see?”

But Sirius couldn’t see, because he was sobbing into the blankets on Remus’ lap. “I was so scared, Moony. I thought you were dead. You can’t die, Moony. I love you.”

Remus pulled Sirius up, wiping his tears away with a thumb. “I love you too, Padfoot.” Sirius’ eyes fell to Remus’ lips. He leaned forward, pressing his own lips against-

_“Wait.” James Sirius points his soup spoon accusingly. “Where’s the adventure?” His eyes narrow. “Is this a kissing story?”_

_Sirius flips his hair. “Fine. Remus and I lived happily together for all of Seventh Year. Unfortunately, after that, the War started. Dumbledore started sending everyone on different missions, and we were forced apart. Remus went off to do werewolfy things. My blood family made a lot of the Order members distrust me, and I was so stunningly attractive as to be distracting to the general public on patrols._

_Rumors started coming in that there was a traitor. After Remus’ name was mentioned, everyone lost contact with him. Weeks went by. Everyone thought he was dead-they whispered that he’d been killed by the notorious Dread Pirate Roberts. I prowled safe houses, snapping at everyone. There was nothing my knowledge was useful for. But then Dumbledore got word about the Death Eaters using one of the Black family villas as an HQ. My time had come.”_

Sirius prowled the balcony cursing himself. It had been too easy, he should have realized it was a trap, he should have- but it didn’t matter now. Now, he was trapped in this forsaken villa, which was even worse than being trapped at Order meetings. At least there, sometimes someone asked for his opinion. His head feels sloshy, like he’d had too much to drink. Maybe he’d been hit with a weird Confundus?

A creak made him pause. He spun around, grateful for all the wrestling he’d done with Remus, and found himself wrenching back the arm of-

“James?!”

“Hey there, Pads!” James twisted, effectively removing his arm from Sirius’ grasp. 

“”What are you doing here?”

James threw him a grin as he peered over the balcony. “Kidnapping you. Come on!” He reached over the balcony and threw himself over.

“JAMES!” Sirius flew to the edge, only to find James hanging about three feet below him, attached to a rope.

“Apparently, Lily knows a lot about rock climbing. And your family still knows nothing about muggles. Come on!” 

With one last glance over his shoulder, Sirius followed his brother over the balcony. When he reached the bottom, James, Lily and Peter pulled him into a group hug. “I’m so glad to see you two. But what about my-”

Peter produced Sirius’ wand with a flourish. Sirius crooked an eyebrow, but accepted his wand. “Thanks, Wormtail.” Peter smiled, and started pulling things out of his bag and handing them to James.

“I know I had-ah! Here it is.” He produced a slightly squashed pork pie wrapped in a handkerchief. “Thought you might be hungry.”

“Cheers, mate.” Sirius ate as they walked. They made their way across the grounds and to the edge of a lake. James brushed aside some branches, revealing a small boat. “We can’t do magic while we’re on Black family property-they’ve got wards to detect it. But once we get most of the way across, we’ll be safe. The property line is somewhere in the middle.”

Sirius shoved the last bit of pie into his mouth, then balled up the handkerchief and tossed it perfectly down the front of Lily’s shirt. She rolled her eyes and pocketed it.

The clambered into the boat, and James and Lily began rowing. After a few minutes of quiet, something hit the side of the boat. Sirius, who had been perched on the front, pretending to be a masthead, tumbled into the water. 

SKRREEEEEEEE

“Do you know what that sound is??”

“Sirius...aren’t those shrieking eels?”

A giant something swam past Sirius, causing him to spin. SKRREEEEEEEEEE

He gasped and tried to swim back to the boat, but they were everywhere-surrounding him.

_“Sirius didn’t get eaten by the giant eels.”_

_“What?”_

_Remus lays an hand on James Sirius’ shoulder. “I only mentioned, because you look nervous.” They all look down at James Sirius’ hands, which are clutching his blankets. He quickly lets go._

_“I-I wasn’t nervous.”_

_Sirius grins at him and reaches over to ruffle his hair. “Ah, don’t worry, fawn. I promise I don’t die in this one.”_

Lily reached out, grabbed Sirius by the arm, and hauled him half into the boat. James scrambled to help her.  
“I didn’t mean to fall out,” Sirius mumbled. Lily patted his arm, then tied a rope around his waist. Once he was secure again, they set off rowing.

“Love, what’s wrong?” Lily peered around Sirius to James.

“I think someone’s following us.”

Peter scoffed. “Nonsense. None of the Death Eaters know what we’ve done, and none of the Order could have gotten here so fast.”

James shrugged. “I just...happened to look behind us, and something’s there.”

Everyone’s head whipped around. Sure enough, there was a small boat behind them. 

“That’s inconceivable!” Peter protested. Lily and James began rowing faster. When they reached the shore, everyone practically threw themselves out of the boat. They were halfway up the rock-covered beach when the other boat docked. A tall man wearing a black mask climbed out and began jogging toward them.

James stepped between the man and the rest of the group. He drew his wand. “I don’t want to kill you.”

The man spread his hands. “I don’t want to die.”

Peter tugged Lily and Sirius into the treeline. “James can handle him,” he whispered. “Come on.”

“But-”

“Shhh! If we stay and fight, he might call reinforcements! Aren’t we trying to make a clean getaway?” Sirius opened his mouth to protest. Peter hit him on the shoulder. “Didn’t James win the dueling club championships two years in a row?” 

Sirius sighed, but nodded. The three of them turned and walked into the woods.

James raised his wand. The man in black ducked the red Expelliarmus sparks and shot some back. They circled each other, and James sent a jet of water at the other man’s feet.

“Aguamenti, eh?”

“I’ve thought of everything, considering the rocky terrain.”

They circle again, and the man in black casts a Jelly Legs Jinx just as James reached the wet rocks. He goes down, cracking his head on the rocks. The man rushes over and checks for a pulse. Then, he levitates James into the tree line, and Disillusions his body. “I can’t take you with me, right now,” the man whispers. “But you’re safe here. You’ll be alright.” 

He turns and sets off down the path set by the other three.

Peter, Sirius and Lily crouched behind a boulder. Sirius pointed his wand at a small rock, but instead of levitating it, the rock turned into a pillow. Lily sighed and touched his arm. “I’ve got this. You two go.”

Before Sirius could say anything, Peter was tugging him away. 

Lily watched until the man in black rounded the corner. She levitated a rock and tossed it toward him. He froze. “I don’t have to miss.”

_“Gran would never say that. She would just hit him with Stupefy and be done with it.”_

_“Yes. you’re very smart. Shut up.”_

“I don’t doubt it. So what shall we do now?”

“Stupefy!”

“Protego!”

Lily’s red sparks hit the man’s shield and richoched. She dodged, but she wasn’t quite fast enough, and she collapsed in a heap.

The man in black rolled her over, checked her pulse, and Disillusioned her. “I don’t envy the headache you’ll have when you awake. In the meantime, sleep well, and dream of....James.”

The man in black cast Appare Vestigium, and gold swirls flew off in the direction of Sirius and Peter. When he arrived, Peter was sitting at a table, and Sirius was blindfolded with his wrists tied behind him. Not in a fun way, in hostage way.

“Sirius!”

“I’m just clarifying.”

“He’s nine.”

“So!” Peter declared, as the man in black approached. “It is down to you, and it is down to me.”

“What?”

“You want to capture what I’ve rightfully stolen!”

“So you admit it.”

“I challenge you to a battle of wits!” Peter gestured to the table in front of him.

“Mate, that is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard you say.” The man in black twirled his wand. Peter gave several barking laughs, then fell over.

The man in black ran to Sirius and unbound him, pulling him to his feet. “Are you hurt?”

Sirius was staring at Peter. “What did you do to him?”

“Nothing undeserved. Come on.” His fingers wrapped around Sirius’ wrist, and the man tugged him along.

The reached a cliff face and trotted along it until Sirius began to complain that his feet hurt. “Can’t we just apparate home?”

“Is your wand working?”

Sirius frowned, but attempted to levitate a boulder. His wand produced a stream of bubbles. He watched as the man peered out, searching for something. The wind shifted, and Sirius caught a scent he knew too well-werewolf. Tonight was the full moon. 

“I know who you are. You’re the Dread Pirate Roberts! Admit it!”

The man bowed. “With pride. What can I do for you?”

Sirius’ voice was forced through his teeth. “You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.”

The man tsked. “Why loose your venom on me?” He turned to look out again.

“You killed my love!” Sirius stalked behind him. “And you can die too, for all I care!” He shoved the man in black, who went tumbling down the ridge.

“Aaasssssss youuuuuuuu wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish!!”

Sirius clapped a hand to his mouth in horror. “Oh! My Moony, what have I done??” And he threw himself down after Remus.

When they finally stopped, Sirius touched Remus’ face over and over. Remus brushed a strand of hair away from Sirius’ eyes. “Are you hurt?”

“Hurt?” Sirius repeated. “You’re alive! If you want, I could fly.” He pressed his body against the warmth of Remus, reveling in the heat of his body, soaking in the scent of him. Sirius buried his nose in the crook of Remus’ neck, and his tongue darted out to taste the salty-

_“That’s really gross, Grandpuppy. You shouldn’t lick people.”_

_Sirius shifts his gaze to Remus, who is fighting to look stern. He looks back at James Sirius. “Maybe one day, you might not mind so much.”_

_James Sirius frowns and burrows into his pillow._

Suddenly, they were overwhelmed with the howling of wolves. Remus jumped up, hauling Sirius behind him. His gaze swept around, and then he was tugging Sirius along. “Come on. Into the Fire Swamp!”

“We’ll never survive!”

Remus threw a grin over his shoulder. “Nonsense. You only say that because no one ever has.”

They picked their way through the overgrown trees, Sirius still slightly unsteady on his feet. “How can you be the Dread Pirate Roberts? He was raiding when we were still in school.” 

“I was assigned to infiltrate the werewolves, in hopes of bringing some to the Order. Roberts attacked and captured me. He brought me back to his ship, and I was forced to work in the galley. But I made friends, and they taught me even more about dueling, and some new spells. Every night, he said the same thing. ‘Goodnight Remus, good work. Rest well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.’ Until one day, he pulled me into his cabin. ‘I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts,’ he said. ‘My name is Ryan. I inherited this ship, just as you will inherit it from me.’”

Sirius frowned, trying to puzzle the whole thing out. He stepped forward just as a fire spurt burst, catching his pants. He shrieked and fell over. Remus cast Aguamenti.

“Bit singed, are you?”

“I could have done that myself, you know.”

Remus kissed him on the cheek. He pulled Sirius away from another fire spurt, and they ended up in a kind of dance around them. The sand started pulling away from their feet, and Sirius was sucked down. Remus severed a thick vine and dove in after him. After several tense seconds, they were hauled to the surface. 

After they had coughed out all the sand, they started on their way again. “This isn’t so bad.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“I’m not saying I’d like to build a summer home here. But the trees are actually quite lovely.”

“But Remus, what about the R.O.U.S.es?”

Remus scoffed. “Rodents of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist-UNGH” A giant rat attacked his shoulder.

Sirius pointed his wand, and this time he set off several fireworks. He groaned and shoved his wand back in his pocket. Remus screamed as the rat bit him. Sirius picked up a log and whacked it on the head. 

When they emerged, blinking, into the afternoon sunlight, Bellatrix was there, with Fenrir and several other werewolves. Everyone’s wands went up.

“Surrender!”

Remus looked slightly surprised. “You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.”

Bellatrix laughed. “Don’t be a fool.”

Sirius looked around, seeing even more werewolves in the trees. “Moons, they’re everywhere,” he breathed.

Remus nodded, only enough for Sirius to feel it. “Do you trust me?”

“With my life.”

“I will always come back for you.” Remus raised his voice again. “Ever perceptive, aren’t you, Bellatrix? But didn’t the Dark Lord tell you how circumstances change? Or aren’t you privy to his plans anymore?”

Bellatrix narrowed her eyes, but just as her fingers tightened on her wand, Fenrir laid a hand on her arm. “Bella, Remus has been with me, remember?”

As Bellatrix lowered her wand, Remus stepped aside and pushed Sirius forward. “Just returning him. James Potter and his little gang tried to kidnap him.”

Bellatrix ripped Sirius’ wand from his hand and pointed both of them at him. Remus suppressed a shudder as he stepped beside Fenrir.

The next morning, Remus was even worse off than normal after the full. He could hardly move, and when his eyes finally came into focus, he didn’t recognize anything. A man wandered by. “Where am I?” The man turned, and Remus gasped. It was Wormtail.

_“Wormtail? Didn’t he die?”_

_“What?”_

_“He wanted to do a battle of wits with the man in black, and he died.”_

_Sirius glances across the bed, where Remus is concentrating very hard on reading a book. Eventually, he sighs and looks up. “Maybe Wormtail just fell unconscious for a little while, and now he’s better.”_

_James Sirius looks unconvinced, but Sirius nods enthusiastically._

_Remus leans over to whisper to James Sirius. “Or, maybe Grandpuppy has some leftover rage that he’s trying to work through regarding Wormtail.” They nod sagely at each other._

“The Pit of Despair!” Wormtail grinned through the bars at Remus. “Don’t even think about trying to escape. And don’t dream of being rescued either! Only Bellatrix, Fenrir and I know the way in.” He waved his wand, and Remus felt like he was about to transform again.

James stumbled through the woods after his Avensegium until he barreled into Lily. They sent a message to Dumbledore, who said Peter hadn’t come back. Lily still had Peter’s handkerchief. They spent all night picking their way around forest debris, wondering what had happened to Peter. By mid morning, they found themselves in a clearing. 

“I don't understand. The spell says he is here, but there's nothing here.” James collapsed against a tree in frustration. There was a soft creak, and a door in the tree swung open.

They found Remus locked in a cage, covered in fur but not fully transformed. Peter lay outside, his body half shredded.

“Finite!” Lily pointed her wand at Remus, and he collapsed, fully human again. It took James several tries to unlock the cage. He picked Remus up and carried him back to the surface.

“What do we do now?”

“Dorcas. We need Dorcas and Marlene. They're the best healers we've got.”

They set off.

Lily pounded on the door until Dorcas finally opened. “What.”

“Please, Dorcas. It's Remus.” 

Dorcas nearly got the door shut again, but Lily caught it. “It's not what you think. I'll tell you everything-please just let us inside.”

“Who did you have pinned to the curtain of your four-poster, third year?”

Lily flushed, but kept her head up. “Sonny Bono.”

James knitted his eyebrows. “Who?”

Dorcas opened the door. 

By the time James and Lily had told their tale, Remus’ potion was ready. Marlene packed it up, and after a round of hugs, they were tossed out the door.

“Bye! Have fun storming the castle!”

“Think it will work?”

“It would take a miracle. Bye bye!”

Once they made it back to the Black Villa, they managed to get Remus to ingest some of his potion. 

Lily reported that the Villa was guarded by 20 Death Eaters. They hatched a plan.

James, under his Invisibility Cloak, wandered through the crowd, ghost like. Lily cast Sonorus on herself, and her voice echoed around the courtyard.

“I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! There will be no survivors!” She began casting green fireworks. The Death Eaters scattered.

Remus was still unsteady on his feet. “I need a wand,” he told James. James frowned, but fetched one that had been dropped. “I'm fine, Prongs. Don't you worry about me.” And he stumbled off, up the stairs.

James started after him, but paused when he heard a familiar voice. Fenrir. He was in the drawing room, drinking and ranting about something. James donned his Cloak and slipped into the room.

Sirius was distraught. He heard whispers in the halls-whispers that Remus was dead, that Wormtail was the real traitor. They'd taken away his wand, again. Not that it had been useful, when he'd had it.

He rummaged under his mattress until he produced a bejeweled knife. Really, death was the best choice, wasn't it? He pressed the tip against his chest and took a breath.

“There's a shortage of perfect chests in this world. It'd be a pity to damage yours.”

Sirius whirled around, dropping the knife. “Remus! Oh, Moony, you've come back for me!” He started covering Remus’ face with kisses.

“Gently!”

“That's all you can say at a time like this? Gently?”

“GENTLY! Oooof.” Remus slid against the wall. 

Bellatrix burst in, laughing. She brandished her wand. “To the death!”

Remus shook his head. “No. To the pain.”

Bellatrix blinked at him.

“To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.”

“And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don’t mean to duplicate tonight.” 

“I wasn’t finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.” 

“And then my ears, I understand let’s get on with it.”

Remus stamped his foot. “Wrong! Your ears you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, “Dear God! What is that thing,” will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.”

Remus waved his wand, and ropes shot out, tying Bellatrix's limbs together.

James’ voice came from the doorway. “He might need some help.”

Sirius immediately held tightly onto Remus. “Why would Remus need helping?”

“Because he has no strength.” James sent a Patronus to Dumbledore as Sirius pulled Remus’ arm around his own shoulders.

“James! JAMES!”

They leaned out the window. There was Lily, holding the leads of four hippogriffs. “I found these, and I thought, there are four of us! If we ever find Sirius.” She waved cheekily. “Hello, Sirius.”

He waved back. Lily flew the hippogriffs up to the balcony. They flew off into the sunset.

_“That's it? That doesn't feel like the end.”_

_Sirius pats the bed. “Oh, the rest is just kissing stuff. You don't want to hear that.”_

_James Sirius chews his lip. “Well… Maybe I don't mind, so much.”_

_Sirius’ face lights up, and Remus buries his in his hands. Sirius hauls him around the bed. “Maybe we'll do a live demonstration, then, eh?” He runs his fingers through Remus’ curls, then leans in._

_James Sirius shrieks and covers his eyes. “Nope! Nevermind!”_

_Remus chuckles softly and kisses Sirius before pushing him out the door. “Goodnight, Fawn. It's time to rest now._

_James Sirius snuggles into his blankets. “Night, Remus. Night, Grandpuppy.”_


End file.
